Written Jan 2015:
Lord I come, I confess. Bowing here I find my rest.
Without You I fall apart. You’re the One who guides my heart.
I need You, Oh, I need You.
I have to confess. I have been in that “fall apart” kind of place this week. Work has become extremely challenging and I became angry and frustrated. I started to wonder if I should just find another job as this one really doesn’t seem to have much hope. It is a dark place. My lack of control in this situation has only exacerbated my frustration to the point that it is affecting my sleep and my interaction with my co-workers. This song reminds me that I am not seeking God’s guidance and I am not reflecting His character in the situation. If God wants to find me a new job (which would be humanly impossible) He can do it. If He wants me to be a light in this dark place, He can strengthen me for the task. But I need to stop swimming in the darkness myself. I need to be a light. I need to adjust my attitude. God help me! I need You!
God is more than capable of changing this situation. He created the universe. He became a Man. He rose from the dead. And He saved me! Since He is the overcomer, why am I still living as though sin has power over me? I do not have to fight this battle myself, and frankly, I am not sure I really know what the battle is that I am supposed to be fighting. It always seems that I am swinging against the wind, swimming against the tide. Maybe I am supposed to get out of the river or out of the storm, and see the power of God work. Perhaps I am the obstacle that God is needing to get past in order to do His work in this place.
Do you remember being a kid or watching your own children working away at building lego or something and then they can’t get something to work and start crying and throwing the pieces and getting ready to kick down the whole of what they had worked so hard for? Remember how hard it was to let a parent assist? They would hold on so tightly and cry, rather than accept help. And all it required was a little help from a parent? A little support and the whole thing came together. And it was awesome! How easily they would have destroyed it all. And the reward would never have been accomplished.
I am not God, I cannot see His plan. But I can know with certainty, since I know God, that being angry and frustrated is not what He would have me do. So then what do I do? I need to lay these issues and my feelings about them at His feet. I need to find the peace that He has promised me and seek out His will here. One day at a time. One minute at a time if required. I have to remember that the same grace that He extended to me He wants to extend to them. Maybe I am the vessel that He wants to do that through. I don’t need to worry about protecting my own interests. God promises to be my shield. My fortress. He has shown so much love to me, why am I being so selfish as to not share that love with these people that are causing me such trouble? His love is infinite. It is not like He would have to take some from me in order to love them. And they do not have to be perfect and nice before He can love them. If that were the case, He would never have loved me. I know the miracles that He has done in my life… don’t I want that for these people, for this place? Forgive me God.